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President Trump made an unannounced visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Saturday, later tweeting he underwent “phase one” of a physical he plans to complete next year.
“Yes, Trump’s first part of his physical is going to be such a hit that next year, they’re coming out with a sequel: ‘Colonoscopy 2: 2 Blocked 2 Scope.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I just had one. My doctor never said, ‘O.K., uh, drop your pants, uh, bend over, try to relax — I’ll be back in six months.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Phase 1 was this weekend, Phase 2 is next — was this a physical or a kitchen remodel?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Phase 1 of a physical? That sounded strange so we did some digging and discovered that his annual physical has five phases, so let’s take a look now at the five phases of Donald Trump’s annual physical. Phase 1: Measure his official height and negotiate his official weight. Phase 2: A complete strip, spackle, priming and repainting. Phase 3: His annual battery of paternity tests. Phase 4: Surgically remove his hand from a Nutella jar. And finally, Phase 5: Ask about getting breast implants — not the procedure, he just wants to play around with them.” — SETH MEYERS
“Was it a health emergency or did he need to get a marble removed from his nose again? We don’t know.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Now, because no one trusts this White House, everyone is wildly speculating about what actually happened. Did Trump have a heart problem or a stroke? And if he did have a stroke, how would you even be able to tell? Yeah. No, because the symptoms of a stroke are slurred speech, confusion and erratic behavior. For Trump, that’s a Tuesday!” — TREVOR NOAH
“In fact, if Trump ever starts speaking normally, that’s when Melania should call 911. It’d be like, ‘Hello, ambulance? Something is wrong with my husband — he just finished a crossword puzzle. Please send help!’” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Trump’s Free Time Edition)
“Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham later explained that Trump decided to get parts of his physical done early because he had a ‘free weekend in Washington.’ O.K., that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. [Imitating Trump] ‘Hmm, let’s see, I’ve got the day off. I could spend it with my children — not really my thing. Uh, with my wife? No, she hates me. Uh, my friends? All in jail. Uh, tell you what: I’ll just go to the hospital and have them stick me with needles, just to feel something.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“But Trump said he’s feeling great. Today he was like, ‘I’m the picture of health. I do 10 steps a day, I drink eight glasses of Diet Coke, and I try to get a good seven to eight hours of tweeting.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“He’s faster than a tweeting bullet. He’s able to bankrupt tall buildings in a single bound.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“I am sincerely relieved to say that it looks like there’s nothing wrong with the president’s health. I might not be Trump’s biggest fan, but I don’t want him to leave the White House feet first. I want handcuffs first.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
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