CRAIG BROWN: Dear PM, you’d have no chance on Bake Off…
Dear Prime Minister,
It has been the greatest honour and privilege of my life for the past 18 years to have served the good people of somewhere-or-other as their MP.
When I arrived at wherever- it-was in 2005, I was just a backbencher, on a backbencher’s salary. Over the course of five elections, I have increased my outside earnings by more than 300 per cent. This is a legacy I am proud of.
During my time as Member of Parliament, I have diligently served my constituents as a radio and TV presenter, a reality TV contestant, a columnist, novelist and an all-round celebrity, willing to sound off about domestic and world affairs for a reasonable fee.
During my time at the department of Digital, Culture, Media and Whatever, I was photographed shaking hands with, among others, Zayn Malik who once was in One Direction, two former Spice Girls, Ken Bruce, Lord Fellowes of Downton Abbey and Gemma Collins from The Only Way Is Essex.
Over the course of five elections, I have increased my outside earnings by more than 300 per cent. This is a legacy I am proud of, writes CRAIG BROWN
Not bad for a working-class woman.
The offer to continue on in my Cabinet role was extended to me by your predecessor Liz Truss, whom I, like many millions of others up and down the country, continue to regard as our one true Prime Minister.
I am grateful for your personal phone call on the morning you appointed your Cabinet in October, even if I declined to take the call because I had better things to do, like taking an urgent call from RabbitRadio FM, who needed to know my latest views on bicycle lanes, Bake Off, Harry and Meghan and the war in Ukraine.
As politicians, one of the greatest things we can do is to empower people by giving them a hand up to seize opportunities to tirelessly support us.
That’s why I spoke up in Parliament as recently as July 2022.
That’s why I drained every last drop of my blood only last April to travel the whole way to Westminster to put my head round the door of the House of Commons.
That’s why I shall continue to speak out on subjects close to my heart on radio and television for a reasonable sum, plus expenses. And that’s why I shall strive with all my might to take my place in the House of Lords. It’s the very least working classes deserve.
I witnessed first hand the way Boris Johnson and then Liz Truss were removed for no reason whatsoever apart from telling white lies and being bad at sums.
I decided then and there that the British people had a right to know what was happening in their name. And that’s why I’ve devoted my time to finding out what’s really going on.
As I uncovered this alarming situation, I became aware there were dark forces ranged against me. One wrong move, and I would be forced by the powers-that-be into a giant wicker man along with hens and goats and set ablaze as a human sacrifice while men in masks danced around, chanting unpleasantries.
The dark, disturbing story I have uncovered, at risk to life and limb, may shock many people. They will learn for the first time the terrible truth that neither Boris Johnson nor Liz Truss is still in No 10.
No.
They have been forcibly assassinated by a corrupt and shadowy cabal involving J. Edgar Hoover, the Mafia, Castro, the KGB, international drug lords and two unidentified men on a grassy knoll.
I witnessed first hand the way Boris Johnson and then Liz Truss were removed for no reason whatsoever apart from telling white lies and being bad at sums.
As you well know, Prime Minister, these are some of the most powerful people in the land.
And they have now opened the frenzied cage doors of the storm to whip up a tsunami of orchestrated mixed metaphors all over me.
But worst of all has been the spectacle of a Prime Minister posing on the steps of Downing Street in Prada shoes and fancy Savile Row suits, deliberately refusing to mention my name.
Sadly, Prime Minister, you do not have the X Factor. You wouldn’t stand a chance on Strictly or Bake Off, whereas my own recent performance on GrudgeRadio FM was highly acclaimed, not least by my own staff.
I shall today inform the Chancellor of my intention to move the writ for the by-election you are so desperately seeking to take place. From now on, I intend to concentrate on the things that really matter, like me.
Craig Brown
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