HER rural mockumentary sitcom This Country has turned Daisy May Cooper into one of the UK’s biggest comedy stars.
And if she ever writes a series based on her sex, drugs and not-quite-so rock ’n’ roll love life, TV networks will be scrambling to secure the rights.
Daisy, who The Sun revealed in July had split from her husband of two years Will Weston, documents her disastrous relationships in new autobiography Don’t Laugh, It’ll Only Encourage Her — including her romance with a Welsh chef with a wonky willy.
Indeed, she tells how “Nick” — her exes’ names have been changed to hide their embarrassment — had a fetish for impersonating household objects to get his sexual kicks, including a coat stand, a rug, a footstool and an ashtray.
And his biggest thrill? Combining the latter two, turning himself into a “footstool/ashtray combo”.
Daisy, 35, who played Kerry Mucklowe in This Country, said: “He positioned himself on all fours with his tongue out while I put my feet up, drank wine, watched Location, Location, Location and flicked my ash his way.
“I tried to do it casually, but it occurred to me that I could get arrested for this. He loved me stubbing my fag out on him. He winced with pleasure, I winced with pain.”
Daisy put up with Nick’s fantasies purely because his flat was stocked up with wine and it beat living with her broke parents back in Cirencester, Gloucs while looking for acting work in London.
She was planning on dumping him as his sexual fantasies progressed to being tied up, leading to an accident in which Daisy burned his wrists on a heated towel rail.
But much to her frustration, Nick beat her to the punch and ended the relationship, complaining that Daisy was “too vanilla” in the bedroom, which left her incandescent with rage.
She said: “I berated him for being the most unkind, uncouth and uncaring boyfriend ever.”
Daisy won a Bafta for her role as Kerry in the multi-award-winning BBC3 sitcom, which she wrote with her younger brother Charlie, who also played her on-screen cousin Kurtan.
In her hilarious new book, which she wrote in lockdown, she doesn’t mention landscaper ex-husband Will, father of her two young children, who she met on Tinder in 2015.
But she recently admitted: “He is an amazing man, but we’re just not compatible.”
Daisy’s bad luck with blokes kicked off when she got her first boyfriend, who she met on the internet while still at school.
Their online chats progressed to long calls on her dad’s mobile, secretly amassing huge bills on his new Orange contract which at first he thought was a scam, until discovering it was his all teenage daughter’s doing.
“Keith” described himself as a “Michael Owen lookalike”, which Daisy soon discovered was widely off the mark, and was 17 — exactly her “fake age”.
Visiting from Manchester after both sets of parents agreed to the stay, Keith got off his National Express bus in Cirencester — and left Daisy instantly disappointed. He had a huge forehead, greasy hair and his face was “covered in cystic acne”. Plus, he only had one arm.
Daisy admits Keith must have felt robbed too. The only photograph he saw of her was her online profile picture — a modelling shot of Wonderbra pin-up Eva Herzigova.
After Keith’s awkward arrival, they barely spoke all weekend, and she later fell in love with Lee, a Cirencester local.
She says their dates consisted of several laps around the town centre in his pimped-out Peugeot 106 followed by a “shag on the back seat parked up on the outside of a field”.
But when she saw a picture of his car in Max Power magazine, a favourite for young lads into fast cars and glamour models, she knew he was cheating on her with rival “Shelly” from Cirencester, who was draped over the bonnet wearing barely any clothes.
Daisy said: “She had been hanging around us like a rank-smelling Magic Tree air freshener.”
She soon moved from boy racers to wannabe James Bonds.
Barman “Jake”, who was a few years her senior, claimed to be a former MI5 officer who was forced into early retirement due to being diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Daisy described him as a cross between “007 and an injured budgie”.
He was so smooth, regularly picking her up in his VW Scirocco, playing the theme tune from 1980s TV classic Knight Rider at full blast.
However, Jake — who Daisy had fallen hopelessly in love with — later adjusted the story of his past, including why he really left MI5. He claimed to have developed a drug problem after a mission involving a cocaine smuggling ring.
Jake said he spent time in jail after nabbing “millions of pounds” of cocaine for personal use — and the way he was eventually rumbled wouldn’t have looked out of place in a sitcom. Jake said he carried home a Tesco bag full of the drug but didn’t realise it had a hole in it — leaving a telltale trail of white powder right to his front door.
He asked Daisy to move in with him but she ended the romance after she paid for them to go on a week’s holiday in Zakynthos, using all the cash she’d saved from her first job after leaving school.
But after announcing he was going to the pool bar at 4pm for a couple of drinks during one hot afternoon, he didn’t return until 3pm the next day, claiming he had fallen asleep under a bush.
Daisy added: “I never found out whose bush.” Now a team captain on Sky One panel show Never Mind The Buzzocks, she says she wanted to write a book because she has had the “most humiliating, ridiculous, screw-up of a s***storm life.”
I never found out whose bush.
After leaving school with two GCSEs, she landed a three-year course at posh London drama school Rada. But after graduating she failed to find any acting roles and in desperation she auditioned for a job as a lap dancer — which proved about as successful as her previous romances.
When asked what her stripper name would be by club boss “Tony”, Daisy panicked and replied: “Louise. Louise Redknapp.”
And things got worse when she danced to her chosen song, Ghetto Romance by Damage, running out of moves with a minute to go, at which point she decided to start “snogging the pole”.
Tony told her afterwards: “Yeah, it’s a definite no for you.”
After several failed auditions, plus a very minor cameo in ITV comedy drama Doc Martin, she returned to Cirencester to start again.
She and Charlie began making mini videos, filming themselves around town as various characters, including Kerry — who became the focal point of This Country.
After BBC3 bosses saw their videos they recorded a pilot show, which led to the first of three series in 2017.
Now Daisy could watch herself on TV just about any day of the week — preferably without the human footstool.
- Don’t Laugh, It’ll Only Encourage Her (Michael Joseph, £20) is out now.
‘Daisy and I are going to come after you’
DAISY discovered a novel way to try to settle a financial dispute with the publisher of her memoir – enlisting Carole Baskin from telly show Tiger King.
The actress claims she has not been paid her final instalment for the book by Penguin Michael Joseph.
So the Tiger King star made a video through celebrity request service Cameo, offering some threatening, though obviously tongue in cheek words demanding that the publisher pays up.
Daisy wrote on Instagram: “Penguin still aren’t paying me my final instalment, despite doing all the press/everything they f***ing asked for with the book.
“So I am refusing to communicate unless it’s through Carole Baskin.”
In the video Carole says: “Daisy and I are going to come after you and we are going to put you in a cage, just like the animals that you are, for not paying what she is owed.
“We are going to be coming after you with nets and leashes and tranquilliser darts, for crying out loud.”
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